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If you're looking for marriage minded singles, this really is the place to start love with marriage minded people is to make your very own online dating profile . That subject has to do with dating, and singles and how they should live The Bible says marriage is honorable in all, and the bad and defiled. Editorial Reviews. Review. Scriptural. Helpful. Stand-Out. In the flurry of conversation around singleness, dating and marriage, Ben Stuart charts-out a.
I know I'm emphasizing it from the man's side, but that's just because I'm a man. Obviously, a lot of this stuff you could turn it around if you're a woman, and apply it the same way.
That should be amongst the choices. We also talked about the fact that you can't be idle about it. You can't do nothing. Look, I can honestly tell you, I did not get married when I was 19 years old by osmosis, and it did not just come to me and just fall in my lap, and there, just boom! Actually, if you talk to anybody who knew me back then, I literally brought, in the year before I got married from the time I turned 18 to the time I turned 19, I brought at least, and I'm not exaggerating, you can ask anybody.
I brought at least 15 or so different girls to church, at least in that final year before I got married. Just because I was constantly out meeting people, and I'd bring them to church because my philosophy was always, "If you no like church, I no like you. That was the first test, was like, "Yeah, come to church with me, and then I'll take you out to eat.
Pastor Nicholls preached hard, sort of like another preacher that I know. Pastor Nicholls would get up and preach hard, and if they walked out of there like, "What in the world?
What is that guy talking about? Look, I brought like 15 different girls to church, like every Sunday. Every Sunday different girl. It's not that these were all my girlfriends, or that I was involved in a relationship with all these girls. I was just trying to meet people. I had a lot of hooks in the water, as it were, because the idle soul shall suffer hunger. Some of you guys wonder why you're perpetually, perennially, chronically single.
It's because you're not talking to any girls, you're not meeting anybody. Not only that, but there are about 40 independent Fundamental Baptist Churches in this city.
If you don't want to miss a service at Faithful Word, a lot of them have services on Monday nights, Tuesday nights, Thursday nights, Friday nights for special revivals and things going on.
You can go and visit them at that time. Also, it wouldn't kill you to miss a service on a Sunday night, or a Wednesday night at Faithful Word. Visit one of these other Fundamental Baptist Churches if you don't think there's enough options here, because this is kind of an important decision in your life.
It's an important thing, and a great place to meet your future spouse is at church. In this church, or another Baptist church that's KJV and Fundamental, and they're out their, my friend, but you've got to go out there and work at it. A man without friends must show himself friendly. You have to go out and approach women, and you can't expect them to do it.
You need to do it. You need to man up, and get out there. I remember my dad yelling at me when I was a kid. Yelling at my brother. Not because he was mad, he just yelled at us a lot. He would yell at us and say like, "I'm the shyest person in the world, but you know what? You just have to force yourself to just talk to girls! I remember he taught us, and we forced ourselves, and we actually said, "Hi," and met people. Okay, let's get off that subject.
That's a sore subject. No, I'm just kidding. Let's get off that, and let's talk about some principles of dating. We talked about the fact that getting married is a virtuous thing. We talked about what type of person you should be looking for. What should be the priorities and the criteria. Now what about how to go about the dating itself? How do we go about actually getting to know the person and deciding if this is who we want to be married to?
By the way, that should be the purpose of dating. The only purpose of dating should be to get married. That's why any girl that I knew I wasn't going to get married to, I would not continue to date, because that's the whole purpose. What should we do in regard to dating? First of all, go to Romans chapter 13, if you would. Romans chapter 13, because I think that one of the best pieces of advice for dating is that you should date in public places, and not be off in private together, alone somewhere, were temptation is going to be strong, and where there's going to be nothing to stop you from committing a sin that is very easy to fall into the sin of fornication.
The Bible says in Romans 13 verse 14, "But put ye on the Lord Jesus Christ," watch this, "And make not provision for the flesh to fulfill the lust thereof. Don't give the flesh the opportunity to commit sin. This would be like if you were going on a diet and you said, "You know, I'm going to be on this really strict diet, and I don't want to eat any junk food, or sweets, or anything," and basically the fridge is just full of candy bars, and Twinkies, and Ho Hos, and [inaudible Then you're saying, "Yeah, I'm going to stick with this diet.
It doesn't make any sense. If you're going to stick with something, you have to remove the temptation. There are different schools of thought on this. Some people will talk about courtship. Who's heard of the term, courtship? I hear a lot of people talk about courtship, and they'll demonize the very word, dating. Listen, there's nothing wrong with the word, dating, because you know what a date is? January the 25th, Is there anything wrong with that? All dating means is that you're making an appointment to get together and spend time with someone that you're thinking about getting married to.
That's what dating means to me. I've explained a lot of my teachings, and my principles on dating that I would have for my kids, and those in the courtship crowd would say that they are totally in agreement with what I've said. I just don't feel the need to use an antiquated term, courtship, that has a lot of baggage associated with it too, because some of those in the courtship crowd have a lot of really strange and weird ideas, where they take things too far.
I just use the word dating, but I will say this. I think that dating should be done in a public place. Obviously, if you're going to get married to someone, you need to have private conversations with that person, because you can't really get to know someone in a group.
A lot of people say, "It should only be done in a group! I think that a wise way to do this would be to be alone with the other person in public. You're still having a conversation, just you and them, but there's no opportunity to fulfill the lust of fornication.
For example, I can remember when I was a teenager, I was interested in a certain girl, and her parents were strict and had rules like this. I remember one date that I went on with this girl was basically we sat in her back yard, like hundreds of feet from the house, on a swing or something, and we were drinking hot cocoa, and talking, and hanging out, but they could still see us out the window. We could still have a private conversation.
We could still get to know each other, but Dad is right there, making sure that everything is as it should be. He was cleaning his shotgun. Another date that I went on like that was we went out to eat at a restaurant, and the parents were there, but basically it was my parents, but my parents were at a distant table in the restaurant.
You still have the feel of, "Oh, it's just us.
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We're out to dinner," but there's still somebody there that's keeping things accountable. The other side of this would be, "Hey, let's just go on a date where you come over to my apartment, and we sit on the bed, and hang out, and read books together? What I'm saying is, you have to think about these things because the temptation is so strong, and because of the fact that there is the lust of the flesh.
We don't want to make provision for that, so you can be outside, you can take walks together, you can have a picnic in the park, you can go out to eat together, you can do things that are outside, or in a public gathering, even though you're still in private.
This thing of just going over to a house, door's closed, that's not a good way to be dating. You're just opening yourself up to temptation, is what you're doing there. The Bible says, "Make not provision for the flesh to fulfill the lust thereof.
They're just sleeping on the sofa. Number one, The Bible says, "Abstain from all appearance of evil. When you study The Bible on this, you'll find a lot of people getting into trouble where they're alone in a house with someone of the opposite gender.
For example, Joseph, when he was working in the house of Potiphar's wife, he's alone with her in the house. She lays hold on him and says, "Lie with me," and he says he's not going to do it. She grabs him and attacks him, and literally rips his clothes off. He runs out of the house, and she has part of his clothes.
Then she lies, this is found in Genesis chapter She lies about it and says, "Well, he tried to attack me. He tried to force me in bed. Therefore, we need to be careful to protect ourselves, protect our reputation, and even just to not make provision for the flesh.
By the way, I don't do For example, there will be situations where a woman will come to me as a pastor, and say like, "Can I talk to you in your office? I want to talk to you in private," and the answer is always no. I always say, "This is as private as I get.
We can step a few steps away from the rest of the congregation and talk.
Number one, be in a situation where I can be lied about, or just that temptation could be there, and you would say, "Well, Pastor, you would never give in to that temptation. I don't believe I would ever do such a thing, but it doesn't mean that I'm just going to constantly put myself in a position to where it could happen.
Doesn't make any sense. It's prideful and arrogant to do that. Not only that, but other people look at that, and they see people go in, the door shuts, they're in the office for half hour, and people could lie, or gossip, or get the wrong idea. It's just better to keep yourself above reproach. We are living in perilous times, and we need to just keep ourselves clean and pure, and above reproach.
Then we see Dinah, for example. If you would, turn to Deuteronomy chapter Dinah was the daughter of Jacob, and basically, she goes out to see the daughters of the land.
Basically, what Dinah is doing is, she leaves her parents' house and just goes into town by herself, just to meet all the worldly girls, and she's hanging around with the worldly girls, next thing you know, a guy comes on to her and she ends up committing fornication with that guy. Think about the situation first of all with Potiphar's wife and Joseph.
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If she would have been stronger than him, it probably would have taken place, because she's grabbing him, she's laying hold on him, she's ripping his clothes off.
Obviously, he's a man. What if we were to flip that coin over? There are a lot of women that could get in a situation with a man where they could be overpowered and defiled. This is where the date-rape comes from, and so on and so forth. Especially of girls or women, they need to be protected and guarded from these type of situations. Look at Deuteronomy chapter 22, verse It says, "If any man take a wife and go in under her, and hate her, and give occasions of speech against her, and bring up an evil name upon her, and say, 'I took this woman and when I came to her, I found her not a maid,'" That means a virgin, "Then shall the father of the dams, the one her mother take and bring forth the tokens of the damsel's virginity, under the elders of the city and the gate, and the damsel's father shall say unto the elders, 'I gave my daughter unto this man to wife, and he hateth her, and lo he has given occasions of speech against her saying, I found not thy daughter a maid, and yet these are the tokens of my daughter's virginity,' and they shall spread the cloth before the elders of the city, and the elders of that city, shall take that man and chastise him, and they shall immerse him in a hundred shekels of silver, and give them unto the father of the damsel, because he has brought up an evil name upon a virgin of Israel, and she shall be his wife.
He may not put her away all his days, but if this thing be true, and the tokens of virginity be not found for the damsel, then they shall bring out the damsel of her father's house, and the men of her city shall stone her with stones that she die, because she has brought folly and Israel to play the whore in her father's house.
So shalt thou put away evil from among you. I have done in other sermons, but the thing I want to point out here is that the father of this girl is actually responsible for her virginity. When the girl is said to be a virgin and found not to be, it's the father that's held responsible.
What's going on here? I believe that we as fathers should guard and protect our daughters, and to make sure they remain pure and virgin until they get married. I believe that's our responsibility as fathers today. Let me say this. There is a difference between boys and girls. There is a difference between men and women. There's a difference today, between men and women, but our world today wants to blur all difference, and so anybody that just gets up and says, "Hey, we're going to treat our sons and daughters differently," people freak out about that, because they have this weird sense of equality and fairness.
What does The Bible teach? That there's a big difference. Now look, men have to be a leader, because that's part of being a man, is that you're going to grow up one day, you're going to get married, and then you're going to have to lead your wife, and then you're going to lead your children. You have to be a leader, you have to be independent, you have to make money, you have to go out in the world and get something done and make something happen, and do something.
That is not the path that God has laid out for women, according to The Bible. Women, according to The Bible, in a perfect world, God's plan for their lives is that they would grow up, be given in marriage unto a man, so they're going to go straight from their parents to their husband, and then they're not going to be the leader, they're going to follow their husband, and they're going to help him and be his wife, and get onboard with his program, and live with him.
They're going to marry, bear children and guide the house, and cook, and clean, and take care of the house. It makes everybody miserable. Half the people get divorced. A bunch of the other people that stay married are miserable and dysfunctional.
Look, God's way is the right way, and so God's plan for women is that they would marry, bear children, and guide the house.
It is a full time job to cook, clean, take care of the house, and take care of the children. It's a full time job. Do you think that my wife is just struggling every day with what to do with all her free time? She has 8 kids to deal with, and the she has me to deal with.
That's enough to deal with. She doesn't need a career. Therefore, and listen to me, and look, people are going to disagree with me. Hey, disagree with me all you want, if you read The Bible and you come to different conclusions, that's fine. Everybody's got The Bible. Everybody's got the Holy Spirit. You can believe whatever you want in this church, but let me tell you this. As for me and my house, I've studied The Bible, I read these scriptures, and I am not going to let my daughters go out and get a job when they're 16, 17, 18 years old.
There's no reason for it. They need to grow up and get married, and until they get married, I'm going to support them and pay for them. I will provide their needs. I will give them the money that they need, and they're not going to go out and go get a job somewhere, and have all this freedom and drive all over town, and drive out to see the daughters of the land, and go out and get It's not going to happen.
I'm going to protect my daughters, and their character, and their reputation, and even now I give my sons, and of course, my sons are older, but I give them a lot more freedom, because as your sons get older, you have to start giving them freedom. You can't just give your sons no freedom, and then all of a sudden it's like, "All right! With girls, it's different, and they need to be protected and guarded, because they're not strong enough.
Look, if some woman throws herself at my son and starts trying to rip his clothes off, he's going to be strong enough to resist that. I'm talking about physical strength. Whereas a daughter, not necessarily. People go out, and the go to parties, and there's drinking and all kinds of crazy things happen. Women need to be guarded, and they need to be protected as young girls from being just unfettered, out there You see the Christian girls that go bad, today.
The ones that I've seen in my own life. They get involved with some guy; some wicked, unsaved guy, at school or at work. Those are the two places where they're going to meet these guys. It's not some guy from church. It's the guy from school, the guy from work, and The Bible does call women This is not a criticism of women.
The Bible teaches that women are the weaker vessel. The Bible says that Adam was not deceived, but Eve was the deceived, because women are more trusting and easier to beguile than men. Women have other strengths that men don't have. For example, a great strength of women is cooking. That is a great strength.
A great strength of women is that women are way better at reading peoples' expression, their body language, their mood. Women are practically mind readers, whereas men are not that perceptive. Men, if you want to get something across to them, you better drop it in front of them like a pile of bricks.
It's just a difference there. That's why my wife is usually much better at busting the kids when they do wrong. I'm like, "Everything's fine. The kids are all taking a nap, everything It's called feminine intuition. Women have strengths, men have other strengths. Men are usually better at math, and have other skills. Obviously more physical strength, and so forth, but men are also more skeptical. Men are more skeptical and more discerning, and women are a little bit more naive sometimes, and believing.
Women are easily influenced because they are born to be a follower, whereas men are born to be a leader, when it comes to the marriage relationship, which is good for women to follow and to submit in the marriage relationship, and it's good that man is the leader, and the dominant one, and that's just the way that it works.
That's the way life is, that's the way we've been created by God, and so this submissive creature that is woman, should not just be sent out amongst the wolves in sheep's clothing to be defiled. That's what we see with Dinah, and other stories in The Bible of the same thing.
My daughters will not go out and get a job. They will not be sent into the school system, because they're home schooled, and they're not going to be sent out to college. The worst of the worst.
Then they're not going to be just, "I'm 18, I move out now. Obviously, if somebody just leaves at 18 there's nothing I can do about it, but you know what, I'm teaching my children that they should remain with Father and Mother until they get married.
That goes even for the boys, because The Bible says that, "A man should leave Father and Mother and cleave unto his wife, and they too shall be of one flesh. For example, I took a trip to Germany when I was 18, and went over there, but it was all with my parents' consent and blessing. They were still in authority over me.
By the way when I was in Germany, I spent every single night sleeping in a pastor's home, or some Godly Christian home. I wasn't just unaccountable, just out with my roommate and my boys, and out, just hanging out. No, I was actually in a family atmosphere even when I was over there. I came back to the United States, submitted myself under my parents, and I lived with my parents until I got married, because The Bible says, "The man should leave Father and Mother, and cleave unto his wife, and they too shall be one flesh.
What about that situation? Okay, but here's the bottom line, though. This is God's will in a normal situation. This should be God's plan. This is the ideal, and for those of us that are in a Christian Godly home, this is how we should order our houses. This is coming from The Bible.
These principles are taught in The Bible, "That a mans should leave Father and Mother, and cleave unto his wife. They too should be one flesh. When I'm preaching hard against fornication, I want my sons to hear that preaching, and to keep themselves pure and Godly. I am not as concerned with my daughters, because it's going to be physically made impossible for them to commit fornication.
I'm not kidding, because of the fact that they're not going to be allowed to just go out and do whatever. They're not going to be allowed They're going to go places with me, or my wife, or with their brothers to make sure that they're protected and safe, and that they're not just out partying, and going to work with a bunch of Heathens, and all this stuff.
Therefore, I'm not as worried about it with them, whereas my sons I have to really sit down and talk to them, and really ingrain in them, "Look, you have more freedom, and you need to make sure that you don't put yourself in these positions to fulfill the lust of the flesh," and so on and so forth. There's so much to cover in so little time.
I've got to hurry up and finish here. The last thing I want to talk about is being physical before you are married. A lot of people will say, "Well, you know, they're not going commit fornication, but then they will get very physical in other ways," and basically what that's doing is, again, making provision for the flesh to fulfill the lust thereof. Trying to get as close to the line as you can without going over the line is not wise.
This is not wise for several reasons and I'm going to show you biblically where I believe we should draw the line on this. First of all, if you gratify and satisfy the lust of the flesh, that's not going to make it easier for you to resist fornication, it's going to make it harder, because you are not going to be fully gratified unless you commit fornication.
Therefore, what I'm saying is, that you don't want to just sit there and indulge the flesh, and indulge those appetites.
Again, I don't want to be graphic for the sake of children, but just the making out, and whatever else. You don't want to sit there and get yourself all worked up.
That's just making it harder to resist temptation.
Honestly, even though it might seem satisfying at the time a little bit, you know what you're doing is just torturing yourself, because you're just making it harder to resist temptation.
Here's the true story. Out of sight, out of mind. Part of the reason why it's so hard for men to remain pure inis because we're constantly being reminded of these things with images. Everywhere were turn, because the advertising industry for the last hundreds of years, has used our primordial reproductive urge that God gave us, that's been programmed as instinct, to try to sell us everything from cars, to food, to appliances.
These psychologists have tapped into our brains, and our most primitive needs for food, or reproduction, or whatever, and then basically they're using those to try to get us to spend money, and so constantly that part of our brain is being accessed through the sorcerers on Madison Avenue. That's what's really going on. Therefore, if you're wise Listen, I want you single guys to listen up carefully.
Teenagers, young men that are single, listen to me. The easiest way that you're going to get through this period in your life, where you have these desires, but you're too young to get married, or you haven't found the right person to get married to yet. The easiest way is not to dwell on it, and not to think about it, and not to look at it. If you're going to sit there and watch all the TV, and watch all the movies, and look at all the magazines, and just go to the beach and look at all the Babes, you know what you're going to do is torture yourself, and it's going to be very difficult for you to resist that temptation.
You need to stay away from these sources of temptation as much as possible, and keep these things out of your eyesight as much as possible, because it's going to be a temptation. Then if you start getting physical with a girl, you know what? That's just really going to ramp up the desire, and it's going to make it even harder.
Look, it will destroy your life. Fornication is a major sin, especially when you're a Godly, Christian young person who's heard Bible preaching, "Under whom much is given of him, shall much be required," and God will not bless you if you go out and commit this major sin of fornication.
It's a big deal. Therefore, the wise thing to do is to not get all those appetites all worked up in you by looking at all this stuff, or by getting physical. Now you say, "Where do you draw the line with getting physical? I've got to hurry, but first of all turn, if you would, to Proverb 6. I already read for you from First Corinthian 7 where it said, "It's good for a man not to touch a woman.
You say, "Pastor Anderson. Does that literally mean just don't touch at all? Just don't even touch them? Is that really what it's saying? If we study The Bible, I think we can find the answer. First of all, here's another verse that used the term, touch. It says in Proverb 6: It says, "Neither let her take her with thine eyelids, for by means of a whore-ish woman, a man is brought to a piece of bread, and the adulteress will hunt for the precious life.
Can a man take fire in his bosom and his clothes not be burned? Can one go upon hot coals and his feet not be burned? So either go within to his neighbor's wife, whosoever toucheth her shall not be innocent. Now, there are some places in The Bible that talk about touching that would be acceptable, I believe. For example, in Luke chapter 7, you don't have to turn there, but in Luke chapter 7, the woman comes and washes Jesus' feet, and she kisses his feet and washes them with her hair, and so forth.
Other people are rebuking the fact that she's doing that, and they use the word touch. Let me read it for you. It says in Luke 7: Here's the thing about that, though. When she's washing his feet, that's clearly not, and I don't want to use the word SEXUAL, because of the fact that I don't want kids to get desensitized to that word, so I'll use the word, amorous, but everybody knows what I mean.
Obviously, that's not amorous of an action of washing his feet. Jesus and her, there was nothing going on there, it was she was washing his feet as a sign of just humility, and deference, and respect, and so forth.
Also in The Bible, there's the term where it say, "Greet one another with an Holy kiss," but what a lot of people don't focus on when they try to bring that out, is that it says, "Greet all the brethren with an Holy kiss. That's just a greeting that they do. They just grab the face and just kiss kiss. There's only one person that I do this with, and this is my father-in-law, because he's Hungarian, and he's like a Hungarian of the Hungarians.
He's really proud of being a Hungarian. He's really into the culture and everything. When my Hungarian father-in-law greets me, he'll come and give me a big hug, and kiss kiss.
That's the only person I greet with a Holy kiss, okay. Again, nothing weird or amorous there, it's a greeting. What's the American greeting that would be the equivalent? Look, there's nothing amorous about a handshake, is there? Or that type of a kiss on the cheek greeting of Europe or the Middle East, or, for example, washing the feet, or whatever.
I think that a good rule of thumb, and this is what I believe, because obviously God does not want us getting our passions inflamed, because he says that we should not have lust. If we get physical with each other, desire and lust are going to be inflamed. You know it's true. Even if you're not physically committing it, it's being committed in the mind, and in the heart, and in the desire, and in the lust. Therefore, here's the rule of thumb that I would put forth.
Is that if it's something that you wouldn't be comfortable doing with another man, or with a member of your family like your mom, or your sister, then it's clearly amorous. It's clearly igniting something else. That should be where you draw the line. That allows for just normal, social human contact without the passions being inflamed. If you do it with another man, or your sister, or your mom, then it obviously isn't.
As a literal, rule-seeking teenager I sought a "relationship manual" in books like Harris's though I never read I Kissed Dating Goodbye and used them to create a framework that--w This book was my first read on this subject since my mid-teens. As a literal, rule-seeking teenager I sought a "relationship manual" in books like Harris's though I never read I Kissed Dating Goodbye and used them to create a framework that--while not wrong--was legalistic.
I'm not blaming books or their authors!
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Books are opinions, not scriptures. It's the reader's responsibility to read with discernment. Most of the well-meaning authors of these books wanted to share an alternative to the world's approach to dating and sexuality, not mandate universal statements on how a Christian ought to interact with the opposite gender.
But that's what I and many other Christians did. All of that to say, after realizing that my mental framework on the subject might be functional but was extra-biblical I stopped reading these books for a while. This one caught my attention because several of my friends read it and spoke highly of it.
Reminding myself to find wisdom in a multitude of counselors book authors in this case without putting the advise on the same level as Scripture, I grabbed the title off Audible and started listening. The author actually emphasizes the point I just made. He advises readers that the point of the book is to set forth principles, not rules. And it does just that. No matter what relationship stage you are in--Single, Dating, Married, or Engaged--this book encourages you to seek God's will where you're at, offers Biblically relevant questions to ask yourself to evaluate your current stage, and offers advise on preparing for the future.
As the author says I'm paraphrasing"God doesn't promise you marriage but He does promise you Himself and that is enough.